Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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