I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
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The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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