Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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