If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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