Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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