final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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