I'm jealous of your bromance
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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