apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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