Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
