he looks like a really good dad on facebook
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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