I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
