explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
