You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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