You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
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You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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