i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my being single is dangerous.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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