I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
