I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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