the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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