Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She told me I should be a condom model.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
