I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
