My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
