If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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