I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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