dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
