I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
