1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
