Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
