I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
