Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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