i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
