Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
