Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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