Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
