It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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