Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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