If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
