she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
honey bunches of taint.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
