I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
