On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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