Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
