my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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