Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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