Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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