Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
