We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
