During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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