Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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