I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
