I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
