ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
