I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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